Valued Living

I was co-facilitating the fifth session of a Mindful Self-Compassion group when I made the decision to quit my job at the VA- the place I’ve worked at for the last eight years. The session focused on our values and the suffering that’s created in our lives when we make choices that are out of line with what’s most important to us. During the guided meditation and reflection it became clear that the way I was spending my life was inconsistent with what is most important to me.

When you experience that deep, visceral, whole body reaction- some call it intuition, others call it gut feeling, for me, a deep knowing- you can’t really do anything besides listen. Although we may initially choose to bypass the message by overriding, ignoring, or self-abandoning, I’ve found that it will continue to show up- in discomfort, uneasiness, physical sensations, or uncomfortable emotions- and often, get louder and louder until we become quiet enough to listen. Onn this day, I was quiet enough. What came up for me was the simple, obvious, and deep awareness that I could continue to offer my life’s work and fulfill my purpose in a way that wasn't so straining on myself and my new family of three. I sat with this heart wrenching knowing and called my boss a few hours later to give him my notice.

It wasn’t that easy. I’d spent the last year debating, worrying, and struggling with the decision to let go. I spent many nights feeling overwhelmed with my competing values of being a mom and doing meaningful work. There were a lot of tears, ambivalence, and tough conversations. I spent months sitting in fear, creating a plan, doubting my ability to succeed, catastrophizing every outcome, and wrestling with what was most important to me. And all along, I knew I was in the process of learning how to let go of something I loved for something else that I loved. I was learning how to sacrifice without being a martyr and I was discovering how to sit in the discomfort of uncertainty. I was learning how to stand in the surety that not only would I figure out where to go from here, I would make it more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. Here I was, learning how to be this new version of me. How to make a choice without being clouded by everyone else’s opinion, noise, and needs.

It was the hard thing, but also the right thing.

I find reassurance in knowing I’ve grown since being the quit your day job and buy a plane ticket to Paris twenty-something year old. And in other aspects, I find comfort in knowing that in the most important of ways, I’m still the same person who hears this deep call to make the absolute most of my life. This is both a quit your day job and a don’t quit your day job post. This is a get really clear about your values and make then make difficult decisions post. I hope to continuously live by the the slight pressure of knowing I’m only here once; that while I’m in no rush to figure everything out, there is a sense of urgency in living by what’s most important to me now. .

I’m aware that our values frequently compete against each other and that sometimes we must make choices out of alignment with our deepest values for reasons of survival, necessity, or the inability to make different choices at the time. In those cases, we may need to explore acceptance or our perceptions and expectations. I’m also aware that at other times, we have the ability to make changes but hold ourselves back due to fear of other people’s judgement, having to navigate change, or uncertainty about our ability to succeed. I’m aware that sometimes we convince ourselves that there is no other way because we’ve stopped believing in our potential or we’ve slowly stopped listening to that innate spark that drives us to create. The truth is, we might know things before we are ready to act and that is okay, you’re allowed to take your time. The other truth is, you won’t be ready until you are ready; so until then, spend time exploring your fear, identify what’s holding you back and make space for that.

In true VA fashion, I spent five hours this past Wednesday quitting. It was anticlimactic and a relief. My friends and I celebrated this accomplishment and all the effort it took to get there on a zoom call and I took a deep breath. I’ve come out better- both personally and professionally- as a result of my work there, as a result of the honor and privilege I had in learning about the Veteran experience, in opening my heart to compassion, and in serving tirelessly in a permanent supportive housing program. And now I have created the opportunity to grown and expand in other ways in my life.

So don’t just quit your day job. Find a piece of quiet in your house/car/bathroom, close your eyes, and start to learn how to be with yourself. Notice the quality of your thoughts and what it feels like to be you. Allow your breath to be the anchor to the present moment and be still. And after some time has passed and you feel ready, ask yourself what really matters. And then again, what really, really, matters?

Is the way that you’re living the best version of your life you can come up with right now? And if something is missing- if something needs to change- are you willing to fight for it? Are you willing to do the hard work and align your decisions in the direction of your heart and in the courage hidden in every cell of your body? Are you willing to navigate discomfort in order to stoke the fire planted deep within your core, that burns with only the passion that is meant for you? And are you willing to live the most truest version of life for you?

Oh, and what matters most to me?

Being a loving and compassionate human.

Being a present mom.

Contributing to the world in a meaningful way.

Serving others.

Slowing down.