...for his first christmas

my friend gave birth to two beautiful twins.  a perfect little boy and girl. her pregnancy was a difficult one from the start and the twins arrived after an emergency delivery; because they were premature, each was born weighing just over one pound.  a few days after they were born,  i remember my friends and i sitting together on the couch already imagining the two of them fighting.  we talked about them running all over the house and playing together.  we talked about them arguing over who was older, and who would be the boss of who.   but to tell you the truth, i couldn't even understand how small one pound was.  and in case you don't know or already do, one pound is much smaller than you think. 

sweet baby josie is 40 days old today.

baby kyson made it to 18 days.

and sometimes you meet someone that you won't get the chance to know, but you fall in love with all the same.  they have the power to change the way you look at the world. maybe you start to see that life really is fighting for.  and after knowing them, maybe your smile will be a little bit brighter, but your heart a little bit emptier.  maybe you'll find kindness in people that you didn't know existed. and maybe you'll spend the rest of your days longing to get to know the person that you didn't have the chance to watch grow old. maybe you'll turn into a stronger person because of them. but being strong doesn't make it any easier.  and being strong doesn't make it any better. but through this strength, maybe you'll find a way to live out their life,  and maybe you'll make a commitment to live yours out in the best way you know how. i'm not a parent, so i realize that i can't possibly understand what it is like to lose the child you gave birth to. i know that i can't fully understand how hard it is to celebrate the growth of your daughter while mourning the loss of your son. or how confusing it is to buy toys to take home to one baby while buying flowers to take to the cemetery while visiting the other. the truth is, i can't imagine how much that hurts. baby kyson reminds me of how much our lives matter, regardless of how small. they matter because we are here. for each other.  to lift one another up and to be a should to lean on.  he reminds me that life isn't always about what you plan to do or who you will become, but instead, it's about who you are. right now.  he has taught me that even though 18 days will never be long enough to fill a mother and father's need to know and love their son, 18 days is enough to change your life.  individual lives teach us about strength and heartache and how to get up in the morning when you still want to cry.  and 18 days can teach you a lot about life. like what it's like for your newborn baby boy to wrap his tiny little hand around your fingers and move it closer to his heart. like what it's like to long for someone you haven't gotten to know. what it's like to lose a part of yourself.  and 18 days can teach you about our innate desire to want to live.  and i know that 18 days will never be enough to ask all the questions and that there will never be enough of the answers, but what i do know is that 18 days matter. that each life matters. and that we all wish baby kyson was here to celebrate his first christmas.  i think the holidays are a magical time for friends and family-- to close old wounds and open new chapters. to spread love with the people that brighten your life and bring you happiness.  but what happens when your joy is a bit harder to find because the one person you want to share it with is no longer here?  i guess i don't have many answers.  but maybe you can find a way to celebrate with them, in whatever way feels right for you. and if you can't celebrate, then mourn. cry. grieve. move slowly. do what it takes to recognize that you miss them. and do what it takes to find a little bit of happiness on a hard day. this holiday season, i hope you'll think about all of those that aren't here with us for the holidays. the ones we no longer buy gifts for or have a spot for at the table.  and this holiday season, i hope you'll remember all of the people that are missing someone.  all of the people whose christmas morning just isn't the same. think of those people. let's bring them joy. let's find a way. for kyson, who reminds us that you can really love someone you've hardly ever met.  who reminds us that life is precious and fragile. for that sweet baby who taught us to be there for one another and to let go of those things that don't really matter after all. for him, who taught us how to say goodbye. and for josie, who reminds us that we can love again after our hearts have been broken.  who teaches us that every day is a new day. for that precious girl who showed us that we can still find joy despite our heartache. and who gives my friend and her family strength, resilience, and a reason to move forward.   

and for all of you who are missing someone this holiday season.

i'm wishing you comfort, love, and the simplest of joys this holiday season.  may you find a way to celebrate and honor the lives of those who are not here with you today.

you are in my heart.

money cannot replace the loss of a life or the memories they will not get to create,  but it can help to ease their financial burden and allow them time for grieving, mourning, and finding strength.if you feel compelled to donate, 100 % of the monetary contributions will be used to pay for kaele's hospital stay prior to giving birth to the twins, the hospital stay of the twins who have spent all of their lives (thus far) in the NICU, sweet baby kyson's funeral, and josie's hospital costs as she continues to fight. *if you choose to donate through the website, 5% of the amount raised will go to the website that facilitates these fundraisers, if you would like 100% of the money to go to my friend and their family, please email me via the "contact me" section and i would be happy to facilitate this process.To donate to Kaele and Jason:  http://www.gofundme.com/5nvbdkand if you are not able to donate money, please send your thoughts, prayers, and love to this precious family.  and all individuals and  families who are experiencing heartache.