...two birthday candles on a cupcake.

  

happy two year anniversary, my dear blog.

     and i think i will celebrate this day for a while.  one, because i believe that ordinary days are a reason for celebration.  and two, because this day turned out to be not-so-ordinary after all.  it's been a two year long journey of working to become the person i know i can be. and it's also been a two year long journey of trying to figure out who exactly that is and will be.  while i believe i am the same person i've always been, i can honestly say i like this one a little bit better. i'm not the girl who is obsessively re-reading my final graduate school paper, too nervous and stressed to push submit, nor am i the girl whose sense of self-worth and esteem are based off of another individual. and i'm not the girl who feels a constant tug at her heart, recognizing that she's straying off path, but ignores it anyway.  but i'm grateful that i was once each of these people.what i know is that today, i am a person who wants to be better. i am a person who is committed to making mistakes and learning from them. i am a person who continues to struggle with societal expectations and internal longings. i am a person driven by a sense of purposeful anxiety that encourages me to continually strive to improve. i am a person with a fear of falling short. and today, i am a person trying to find a balance between accomplishing my personal and professional goals.  a girl who still wants to be liked by all, but doesn't need the approval of everyone. i'm a girl whose feelings still get hurt by harsh generalizations. i'm a girl who is always in search of an opportunity to be kind. a person who uses each day to practice being positive and look for the good. and this year has also been one of shades of grey.  i've been both certain and uncertain, moving and stagnant. growing, changing, and remaining the same. it's comforting to know that you can be all of these things or none of these things and still be okay.  i ate a cupcake today because it marks two years to the day that i decided to do something different.  and i guess it wasn't so much about doing something differently than it was about becoming someone different. and in the process, i've learned that who i am and who i will become is entirely dependent on what i do in between.  and so from december to december, i've learned 365 days worth of lessons. and sometimes, in one day i've learned 365 things. it has been a year of practicing self-discipline, hard-work, and perseverance  and engaging in community action.  a year of heart strings being pulled at and days of heart strings being given away.  i've learned that i want to create something that outlives my life.  it's been 525,600 seconds of letting go of expectations, taking a deep breath in, and accepting each moment as it comes. 8,760 hours of living out a passion and relighting my own spark each time it goes out. last year i learned a lot about myself; and this year, the lessons that stick out the most are ones about people. i've learned that people are generally trying their best and that their decisions are made based off of what they feel to be in their best interest at the time. i've learned that little girls' lives can be changed for the better by foster parents who offer constant structure, love, and security.  and i've witnessed a person living on the street be moved to tears at the simple gesture of another human being acknowledging her existence. i've watched an individual give their only christmas present away to another person who wasn't going to get one at all.  i've observed the resiliency and creative problem-solving of people living with a severe mental illness. i've watched people be too quick to judge and too readily willing to assume the worst.  i've been a part of community that came together to rebuild and i've watched people in their own effort to change.this year, i've learned to look at people for who they are and all they have the potential to become.   

and i've learned that when you take the journey to become a better person, you allow room for others to do the same. 

   two years later, it still comes back to days full of meaning.  and i think that it's important to wake up every morning and  decide who it is you want to be.  wake up and decide. reevaluate frequently and change as necessary. every.single.day. commit to one day of striving to inch closer to that end goal. fail once and then fail better the second time. keep falling short until you get there. run or go slowly, so long as you do not stop. and along the way, tilt your head up to the sun and smile. drink that cup of tea and revel in the good that is all around you. december 16th is a reminder that any day can be your day.  it's not too late to start over, to begin again.when i close my eyes, i can't picture who it is i am working to become.  but i know that i will get there.  that with effort, we will all get there.  what i do know is that this person is kind. dedicated to pursuing a life of passion. and committed to having a positive impact on this corner of the world. i don't know who you will end up being, and maybe you don't either.  but i've learned to sit and listen to that internal voice that is so easily drowned out by external influences. i've learned that to be the best, you have to give it your best. and not just for today, but for all days. and i've learned that change takes time and a continuous dedication to the final product.   today was meaningful because i poured glitter in the palm of my hand and blew it out into the open air. gray sparkles against a white background, a pink door. two friends in a cupcakery.  an extraordinary celebration on the simplest of days.  and all of this because i decided it was time for a change.  today was meaningful because i made it shine.  and so here i am.  an edited, but unfinished product.    here's to many more, dear blog.